Hallo Matey peeps! It’sa all fucked innit! Chilli Sauce? Up the Arse! Sorry Peeps. I don’t accept Euros.

Cyprus, another country that leapt aboard the Euro good-time go-go train now finds itself coming-to in the smouldering train-wreck. Penniless, with a hideous hangover, and a barking-spider like a clown’s pocket.

At the weekend, the Cypriot people were in total disbelief upon hearing that the government had decided to put on a striped jumper, a black eye-mask, and then tiptoe through everyone’s savings putting a chunk of up to 10% into a bag marked “swag”

Luckily, most of  the money they would be robbing belongs to Russian mobsters, tired of racketeering in the cold, who moved and settled in Cyprus. They have a reputation for being spiffing nice people, so that should all be fine.

Meanwhile, those citizens not from Russia with mob connections, were attempting to quickly pull money out of ATMs and over  the counter. They were unfortunately thwarted by the Government calling a long unexpected bank holiday. Surprise! And not a royal wedding in sight.

However today, the Cypriot government has not approved the daylight robbery planned. This has left the Cypriot people overjoyed. Well, at least until they realise that there’s no alternative answer to the crisis yet, and that they might have the banks collapse totally, leaving them with even less.

Whilst this Laurel and Hardy fiscal farce continues, the British Government has loaded one million Euros onto a plane, and sent it off to Cyprus, to bail out any British service personnel caught up in the mess. You couldn’t make this shit up.

Better hope that there’s nobody in Cyprus with a stinger missile, and an enormous butterfly net, I guess. Maybe like, er, some shady underground mobster types, with connections to get access to weapons. Hmmm…

Bye Cyprus. It’s been emotional.