Changes have been proposed to UK prison life, to make inmates work, or at least behave, for privileges.

Hi I’m new here. Really? How did you guess? Yes I’ll be your friend. No, not really, I just had a shower before I got here…

Ideas for the new reward model have probably been dreamed up by a private consortium of  ne’er-do-wells who sell common sense to the government, after it has been re-packaged in big words, with a few random graphs thrown in for light relief. Who knows, but it’s all going ahead apparently.

The new system is said to be akin to one of those games you download for a mobile phone, where you start with next to nothing, but then, by simply giving them your life savings, you get to “unlock” special items.

In this case, instead of handing over your cash to some Russian crime-gang running an app, as a shiny new prison inmate, you get to trade in good behaviour points with HMP for goodies.

For example:

As a reward for prisoners actually getting an education whilst inside, rather than watching daytime TV, smoking, and furiously spanking the monkey, they  may get to watch TV.

But obviously none of those programmes you get on at night with  bat-faced mingers dry humping the floor on Babe Minger Whatever Station X, for example – I’ve been told these channels exist.

The original proposal has three levels of privileges available to prisoners:

• Basic
• Standard
• Enhanced.

Initially, all prisoners will spawn into the game, I mean, will start in prison on the middle tier.

Missing a trick slightly here, there should also be a demotion scale below basic, which misbehaving inmates can slide down through.

Suggested levels would be:

• Slopping-out bitch
• Prison-guard’s punchbag.
• Shower-dwelling cock-holster.

That would, I think, give an extra incentive to behave.

When a prisoner levels up, a special message will be flashed before their eyes, and they’ll be given the chance to unlock other achievements such as: “Brusher Ribbon”: Awarded when you use your toothbrush 14 times without fashioning it into a shank using a razor blade  and stabbing someone.

 In a particularly genius move to encourage bullying, new prisoners will start off their prison term wearing a conspicuous prison uniform. It has been pointed out that this might be a bad idea. And it’s probably a good point.

Why not make the new kid stand out a bit more. Maybe they could make them wear a flashing blue light on their head, with a sign on their backs saying something even more helpful like “Nonce”.

That should certainly cut down on the number of prison mouths that need feeding, as most new prisoners will probably top themselves before ever earning enough behaviour points to wear less conspicuous garb.

So- some interesting ideas as a whole, but perhaps it also requires some more thought about actually  preventing people from ending up behind bars. For surely, if for example, someone wanted an education then it’s better to make sure they manage to get one at the appropriate time – school years. Seems a shame to wait until they’ve offended, and ended up behind bars to decide that now is the time to get a couple of GCSEs… just so they can watch TV.

 Might be cheaper that way round, too.

Real news: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-22341867