One of the main bidding contractors who put in to run the new 111 non-emergency service has pulled out because it won’t be profitable.

Ooh! Matron. You didn’t describe THAT swelling on the phone call, did you Sir! etc.

This is surely a shining example of why not everything can or should be privatised and put out to contract.

In some areas, there were only 30 to 40% of the number of malingering bastards required to turn a tiny profit, by staffing call centres with partly trained staff working off a script, who would generally advise one of three solutions:

• Stop whining on about your boring problem and go and see your GP tomorrow. FFS.
• Put some TCP and a plaster on it.
• Get straight to A&E so you won’t sue us.

In areas where there are deemed to be insufficient not-very-sick people, some creative solutions have been suggested, such as:

•  Bussing in loads of coughing semi legal immigrants to clog things up.
•  Relaxing health and safety in the workplace, encouraging mishaps.
•  Flooding these areas with loose women with minor but highly infectious STDs.

So instead of waiting for this fiasco to be sorted, why not just continue as you were i.e.

• Google your symptoms and then self medicate, whilst hiding the shame.
•  See your GP if you can get past the savage harridans on reception.
•  Go to A&E if something is missing, or stuff is squirting out of somewhere it really shouldn’t.