You just couldn’t make it up. (Not With that beard – the foundation would be a right state):

Austrian drag act Conchita Wurst  (doesn’t that mean sausage?) has been crowned the winner of the 2014 Eurovision Song Contest held in Copenhagen, Denmark.

The singer, real name Tom Neuwirth, won with the Bond-esque tune “Rise Like a Phoenix”.

The UK’s Molly Smitten-Downes came 17th.

Rumours abound that the winning song will be the soundtrack for the to-be-announced Bond Film tentatively named either “GotNoPussy” or “Guy Another Day”.

We can only wonder what next year will bring…

Surely it’s time for a cross-species transgender dwarf ensemble with explosives sewn inside them for an unrepeatable finale to shine?