Still missing the old fool…

Some random depressing thoughts I wrote a couple of months back when my dad was struggling to stay planet side. Unpublished. Unwanted. Unresolved.

There is an order to things that goes a bit like this:

You’re born, you live, you die.
The first bit you can do very little about.
The middle bit you can fill with doing things, working, and buying lots of stuff, most of which you don’t need. Maybe read some books, watch some films, learn a musical instrument, meet someone, have some kids. Go on holiday eh?
The end bit’s the difficult part.
Watching someone who brought you up fade away in a hospital bed is, on occasion, enough to drive you quite insane.
It’s not even like this is the first time I’ve sat and watched it.
Seems like an unwelcome opportunity to be absolutely helpless.
And once they get beyond being responsive, you can couple that with an opportunity to sit in a hospital effectively talking to yourself, not knowing whether it’s really heard, or whether they’d rather you probably shut up.
Then there’s the accompanying chance, whether you really want to or not, of revisiting your own life with this soon to be gone person. And to contemplate whether you’ve hedged your bets right in the afterlife stakes, or whether it’s lights out, as you fear, and that’s all folks.
Seriously. What is it all about eh?
My dad wasn’t a famous artist, sculptor, painter, murderer. He’s not going to be remembered down the ages. No Wikipedia entry he.
Just another one of the great they, in the scheme of things.
I had next to no real understanding of my own grandparents, other than names, and maybe what they did at some stage for a living, and roughly where they’re from. One generation on and you’re a point at the end of a line on someone’s genealogy chart. Name. Time spent idling on the planet. Maybe occupation. Move along.

Is this really just a trip through the scenery on a conveyor belt? And at the end of the ride is a skip, I fear.
Best be taking in some of the scenery I guess. Oh, and I just bought a new watch for myself that I wanted for some time. Because. Well. Why the fuck not.