After 9 years of austerity, and a succession of Conservative PMs and ministers driving the country apart, it’s time for another random general election.

Millions of ground-down voters with dwindling faith in anything anymore will be heading to the polls to put an X next to someone they probably don’t believe in, but who may, on paper at least, look like the least-awful option.

This will then be counted, the results entered into a spreadsheet by an army of trained Barbary apes, and it will then be printed off, bundled up tightly, and then burned in secret.

The winners will then be picked by the Illuminati as per usual.

Voters are requested to at least be imaginative in spoiling their papers.