I fucking hate all these arse-warts on LinkedIn with their ‘daily routine of a leader’ horse shit. Up at 5am for a cup of warm water and some meditation. Fuck off.

This is more likely for most:

2am. Wake. Get up. Stretch, and remove wide-eyed cat from curtains where it leapt whilst chasing ghosts. Stumble back to bed swearing.

5am Wake. Return to fitful sleep, dreading 6am.

6am Wake. Snooze alarm. Shakily open eyes that resemble peeled tomatoes. Rapid trip for slash, and return to bed before duvet cools. Read end of world news on phone, in drizzly gloom. Start to drop off. Drop phone on face.

6.30am. Think about how to ruthlessly maximise morning routine efficiency in order to justify staying under snuggly duvet for another half hour.

7am. Begrudgingly leave bed in a mild panic. Make tea of sufficient strength and sweetness that it could jump start a dead elephant.

7.15am Half hearted ‘that’ll do’ shave. Into shower hot enough to poach an egg. Shampoo, shower gel, rinse, quick piss in shower (that was the time saving bit you devised earlier) then bounce off towel, disappear in fog of deo, and then get dressed in a flash: as you might if a ship was sinking kind of speed.

7.20am Bowl of microwaved porridge.Throw down gullet. Brush teeth, apply enough aftershave to make an estate agent cough.

7.30am Throw bag into car boot, throw energy drink down face, throw car into gear. Begin daily attempt on landspeed record in ageing hot hatch.

8.45 Rock up at work all casual like.