spiffingwheeze

I fucking hate all these arse-warts on LinkedIn with their ‘daily routine of a leader’ horse shit. Up at 5am for a cup of warm water and some meditation. Fuck off.

This is more likely for most:

2am. Wake. Get up. Stretch, and remove wide-eyed cat from curtains where it leapt whilst chasing ghosts. Stumble back to bed swearing.

5am Wake. Return to fitful sleep, dreading 6am.

6am Wake. Snooze alarm. Shakily open eyes that resemble peeled tomatoes. Rapid trip for slash, and return to bed before duvet cools. Read end of world news on phone, in drizzly gloom. Start to drop off. Drop phone on face.

6.30am. Think about how to ruthlessly maximise morning routine efficiency in order to justify staying under snuggly duvet for another half hour.

7am. Begrudgingly leave bed in a mild panic. Make tea of sufficient strength and sweetness that it could jump start a dead elephant.

7.15am Half hearted ‘that’ll do’ shave. Into shower hot enough to poach an egg. Shampoo, shower gel, rinse, quick piss in shower (that was the time saving bit you devised earlier) then bounce off towel, disappear in fog of deo, and then get dressed in a flash: as you might if a ship was sinking kind of speed.

7.20am Bowl of microwaved porridge.Throw down gullet. Brush teeth, apply enough aftershave to make an estate agent cough.

7.30am Throw bag into car boot, throw energy drink down face, throw car into gear. Begin daily attempt on landspeed record in ageing hot hatch.

8.45 Rock up at work all casual like.

This is the interval of time in seconds between hearing Zoe Ball or Sara Cox on Radio 2, and changing channels, source, or turning off the abomination entirely. The Ball-Cox interval varies greatly by individual, but usually increases in value with a corresponding fall in IQ score.

Whether it’s the inane kiddie singing on national radio in the morning for Ball, or the slurred drivel of Cox in the evening, the interval is on average the same in individuals who are exposed to one or the other at either end of another tedious commute.

The soothing hum of tyre noise is another favourite alternative commonly sought.

Every day I wake up, he’s there by my side,
Non- wagging tail and lifelessly-eyed.
A burden to bear,
He jumps onto my back.
To be carried around,
My esteem to attack.
And he’ll stay there day-long
And he’ll whisper and moan.
Til I start to believe that I’m all on my own.
With no hope of a break from his doom laden prose,
And no sign of a lift from my spiraling woes.
Some nights I wake up and it’s too much to bear.
I stare into the dark, and I know he’s still there.
His eyes always open, and fixed upon me.
Watching and waiting for morning you see.
Because when I get up I’ll continue to try,
To fight and to struggle when I just want to sigh.
So I guess I’ll get dressed and pretend life’s a breeze.
And he’ll climb up on my back, where nobody sees.

After 9 years of austerity, and a succession of Conservative PMs and ministers driving the country apart, it’s time for another random general election.

Millions of ground-down voters with dwindling faith in anything anymore will be heading to the polls to put an X next to someone they probably don’t believe in, but who may, on paper at least, look like the least-awful option.

This will then be counted, the results entered into a spreadsheet by an army of trained Barbary apes, and it will then be printed off, bundled up tightly, and then burned in secret.

The winners will then be picked by the Illuminati as per usual.

Voters are requested to at least be imaginative in spoiling their papers.

Now the UK is effectively a dictatorship, you should expect this exciting armband through the post.

Wear it at all times.

Sigh.

Office Time Portal:

When you discover a quiet part of the office, with a noticeboard that may have been forgotten… Or even a time portal that shifts you back 20 years whilst waiting for the lift.

90’s mobile!

Cheque Book!

If there’s a thief, it’s probably an antique dealer…1997!

Blue badge scheme now open to people with invisible disabilities

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2019/jun/15/blue-badge-scheme-now-open-to-people-with-invisible-disabilities?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Copy_to_clipboard

It’s all about the timing.

Has PM front-runner Boris been set up?

Would a mysterious “Mr Gove” or others have anything to gain from him having to turn up in court?

Who knows..